WoW TCG Scrub

You check your round 1 pairing, and to your dismay you see “Spreadbury, J.” posted.  “Great”, you think, “Cheatyface to start off the day.”  As you sit down Jackie sets down her hero, she sets down her deck, and she takes a look at your hero.  After a minute or so of looking at you she takes out her knitting gear and begins to knit.

 

You don’t know it yet, but your fate is already sealed.

 

A lot has been written about Jackie and the hats that she makes.  What many people don’t know is that not only are her hats stylish and comfortable, but they also hide a dark secret.  A lot has been written about intimidation and not letting your nerves get the best of you as you play your game.  In Jackie’s case, however, its not so much as intimidation as it is showing you how much time you have left in this round before you lose.  She is showing you a timer, and you have no choice but to hear it click down as the knitting continues.

 

Click-Click

 

Click-Click

 

The game starts out innocently enough.  You have no idea how she does it, but she is able to continue knitting as she shuffles up her deck and cuts yours.  It’s almost as if the knitting is happening all by itself, and she is just there to make it look like its normal knitting.  You get off to an early lead and start to feel confident about your chances today.  You seem to have control of game 1, but Jackie doesn’t seem worried.  Every time you think you have just made a game defining move she looks at the board, then looks at the cap that is somehow already well on the way to being completed, then makes her play which counteracts your move.

 

In the end, she takes game 1.

 

By this time the hat is nearly completed as she sides in cards and shuffles up for game 2.  During the time in between games you ask her who that hat is for, and she replies “You’ll See” with a devilish grin.  For some reason that response chills you to the bone, as if someone has just walked over your grave.  Finally, side decking is complete and you get ready to try and catch up in the match.

 

Game two runs in a fairly similar manner to game one.  Every time you seem to gain control of the game she looks down at the knitting, looks at the board, looks at the knitting again, then makes her play to counteract all you have done.  All the while the knitting continues.

 

Click-Click

 

Click-Click

 

The sound gets deep into your head, and starts to mess with you.  Is it your imagination that the needles seem to move on their own?  It is still early, so it can’t be exhaustion.  Could it be all the drinking you did last night?  Did you have one too many glasses of whisky before sleeping, and now it’s messing with your head?  All you know is that the hat is almost finished and your board looks like a disaster.  Finally, she drops a Voidfire Wand onto the table and swings into you.  With no cards in your hand, and no quests available, you know the game is over.  You extend your hand in congratulations and instead of shaking your hand; she gives you the hat instead.

 

The hat read’s – Voidfire Lock on turn 7.

 

The words stand out as though they were knitted with some sort of demon fire.  The hat predicted not only how she won the game, but also the turn.  You drop the hat in terror and flee from the event.  Hoping that you will wake up the next day and it will all have been a dream.

 

But you won’t, because it wasn’t a dream. 

 

What most people don’t realize is that those hats Jackie makes are not just a fashion statement.  They are prophetic.  No two hats that she makes are ever the same, and they all take different amounts of time to make.  The time to make one depends on how long it takes you to lose your match.  I have seen hats take as short as 15 minutes to make, and others that take the full 60 minutes.  What’s most disturbing about these hats is that they are never wrong.  Every time a hat is given out the words scream at you how you just got F’d in the A.  Here are some examples of hats I have seen given out.

 

Leeroy for Fatal on Turn 6.

 

Sick Top Deck, High Five.

 

Zero Damage Taken, 15 Minute Match.

 

Because of the limit as to how many characters she can put on a hat she is almost always limited as to how she can describe the ending of the match, however there was once an exception.  In Columbus, an opponent was surprised to be handed a scarf at the end of his match.  It was only later as he read it that he realized that Jackie needed more space to describe the ending of that match.

 

Abyssal Shelf will win you the game, but not without controversy, which will extend even onto various websites, including giving wowtcgscrub some record numbers of comments and views.

 

So be wary as the clicking of Ms. Spreadbury continues.  Whether it was a deal with demons or angels, you should know that her knitting will not only will show you your doom, but also when the hat she is knitting is finished, so are you.